Assertiveness
Assertiveness is a communication skill that is learned, often from parents/carers, friends and partners. However, whether you tend to be more passive, assertive, aggressive or passive-aggressive, can also be down to your nature or personality, as well as the situation you find yourself in. Most people struggle with being assertive with particular people in their life (for example those in a senior position at work), or in situations that feel stressful or tense (such as during conflict or disagreements). When we have personality characteristics, such as people-pleasing, we often sacrifice our own needs to keep others happy, and tend to be more passive. We can lean towards more aggressive behaviour when we want to get our point across, or when we feel challenged or threatened. And we can be more passive-aggressive when we’re not confident enough to challenge someone directly.
Assertiveness involves both verbal skills, such as your words and tone of voice, and non-verbal skills, such as eye contact and posture. When speaking to people assertively, it is helpful to use ‘I’ statements, such “I would like”, “I feel”, “I think”. When we start a sentence with ‘You’, the other person will immediately feel defensive and it can come across as aggressive. Tone of voice is also important - we should use a firm and consistent tone but not shout or raise our voice at any stage, even if the other person does.
Non-verbals are perhaps more important than what we say. We should make eye-contact but not stare. Our posture should be open, no crossed arms or legs. We should match the other person’s position, so if they are seated, we should sit too and if they stand, we stand too. It is helpful to have a relaxed expression on our faces, not grinning, which can come across as either passive or aggressive. It is all a balancing act and it’s easy to slip into one of the other modes.
A great communication skill you can use is called DEAR MAN. It gives you an assertive structure to follow when asking people for something. So you can use to it to ask for your meal to be changed, for a favour, or for a pay-rise. It can also be used to ask someone to change their behaviour towards you. D is for Describe what you want to discuss; E is for Expressing how you feel about it; A is for Assertiveness; R is for Reinforcing to the other person why this is important or beneficial; M is for Mindfulness - keep in mind what your aim is; A is for Acting confident even if you don’t feel that way; N is for Negotiation - you may need to compromise on the outcome. Have a look at the DEAR MAN skill here: DEAR MAN skill
Here are some other links about Assertiveness: Psychology Today; Workbook Assert Yourself!